i thought if i met him the feeling will back again... but i realise the broken is too bad... it's worst... broke my heart into pieces...
watching his face deeply made me realise nothing left there in my heart... nothing left that could make my heart feel the beat again...
there's no missing feeling, no warm feelings that make me want to see him, no "deg-deg" feelings that made me eiger to miss him, just feel emptiness and flat even i was face to face with him... i didn't dare to touch him cos i was too afraid those hurts will comeback to hit my heart and me badly.....
Then why so hard for me to let him loose... to let him filled his days with his love one, to surender my feelings into darknes night....?!
January 15, 2012
Sunday's Log
Usai sudah tugas kemajelisan selama 3 periode yang telah aku emban sbg sekretaris majelis... tidak terasa 3 peroide terlewati dengan segala suka duka, tawa tangis yang mewarnai tugas pelayanan tersebut.
Menjadi seorang majelis tidaklah mudah, menjadi sosok yg dipanut,sosok yg menjadi contoh,sosok yang selalu di"pantau" segala tingkah laku baik tutur kata, sikap, cara hidup yang harus bisa mencerminkan seorang pengikut Kristus, yg hidup tidak bercacat cela, kudus dan dapat menjadi berkat bagi sekeliling sangat tidak mudah...
Saat memulai semua itu aku merasakan "beban" yg berat memikul status sebagai seorang majelis krn secara pribadi aku belum mampu mengalahkan ke"aku"an yg ada didalam diriku. Hingar bingar duniawi, kehidupan dunia, kebutuhan ego yg masih bercokol didalam hidup aku masih mendominasi 100% isi pikiran dan hidup ku
Namun dalam menjalani periode tersebut banyak yg aku pelajari untuk memperbaiki diri dan mejadikan ku pribadi yg lebih baik dari yg dulu...
Kini saatnya meletakan semua tanggung jawab dan tugas itu, ada rasa kehilangan dan rasa sesuatu yg kosong..
terima kasih Tuhan utk kepercayaan yg diberikan pada ku untuk mengisi hari2 bersamaMu, maav masih banyak kekurangan yg aku lakukan dalam menjalankan tugas dan kewajiban itu....
Namun dalam menjalani periode tersebut banyak yg aku pelajari untuk memperbaiki diri dan mejadikan ku pribadi yg lebih baik dari yg dulu...
Kini saatnya meletakan semua tanggung jawab dan tugas itu, ada rasa kehilangan dan rasa sesuatu yg kosong..
terima kasih Tuhan utk kepercayaan yg diberikan pada ku untuk mengisi hari2 bersamaMu, maav masih banyak kekurangan yg aku lakukan dalam menjalankan tugas dan kewajiban itu....
January 13, 2012
Today's Log January13th 2012
Today's Log :
Always thankful for everything happen in your life! That's not easy told you..it's not that easy like it said, but if you realy ask HIM to take it over all your burdens,tears and sorrow... and have and added with this little tiny you call FAITH, you'll see HIS work.
Mistakes #1:
Talking about someone behind their back it's not polite and... evil, i did that today, well not exactly "do that talk" it was more like share about what had happen in a day of your life and it had something todo with other's people behaviour, even that people do the samething to you but doin' it like them isn't a reason to get even..
LEARN #1:
change the way you think about people, STOP thinking their bad things,starting to think other's people kind. Every single people in this earth has two sides,gud and bad side, they have their own reason doin bad and also doin gud things... people not always bad i believe they have gud sides, and people not always gud also cos they have their badi side things...
Life's not perfect, so try to make your life easier, better and meaningfull....
MISTAKE #2 :
watchout for your words.... you never know if someone's has hurted by your words even you're telling them the truth... you never know if someday you're gonna need they help or they do something nice to you.... today i said something bad about someone even inside my heart just b'cos this person hurted me, hate this person so much, i wish this person never exicist in my life, never shown up and never knew this person in my entire life...
LEARN #2 :
get revange isn't your right, it's GOD's right....forget the hurts (i know that's not easy..) but if there's a will i believe there's a way. God will count every single tears that fall from eyes... and HE will change them into happiness, 1st i never believe that... but HE prove me i was wrong... HE has HIS own way to make your "storm anger" stop... just believe, i can't explain it here but when you believe you'll see...
Always thankful for everything happen in your life! That's not easy told you..it's not that easy like it said, but if you realy ask HIM to take it over all your burdens,tears and sorrow... and have and added with this little tiny you call FAITH, you'll see HIS work.
Mistakes #1:
Talking about someone behind their back it's not polite and... evil, i did that today, well not exactly "do that talk" it was more like share about what had happen in a day of your life and it had something todo with other's people behaviour, even that people do the samething to you but doin' it like them isn't a reason to get even..
LEARN #1:
change the way you think about people, STOP thinking their bad things,starting to think other's people kind. Every single people in this earth has two sides,gud and bad side, they have their own reason doin bad and also doin gud things... people not always bad i believe they have gud sides, and people not always gud also cos they have their badi side things...
Life's not perfect, so try to make your life easier, better and meaningfull....
MISTAKE #2 :
watchout for your words.... you never know if someone's has hurted by your words even you're telling them the truth... you never know if someday you're gonna need they help or they do something nice to you.... today i said something bad about someone even inside my heart just b'cos this person hurted me, hate this person so much, i wish this person never exicist in my life, never shown up and never knew this person in my entire life...
LEARN #2 :
get revange isn't your right, it's GOD's right....forget the hurts (i know that's not easy..) but if there's a will i believe there's a way. God will count every single tears that fall from eyes... and HE will change them into happiness, 1st i never believe that... but HE prove me i was wrong... HE has HIS own way to make your "storm anger" stop... just believe, i can't explain it here but when you believe you'll see...
January 10, 2012
Catatan jelang pagi
Aku coba menutup mata dan membiarkan diriku terlelap meski hy sesaat, namun lintasan peristiwa yg akhir2 ini terjadi membuat aku terbangun kembali. Kata2 argumen dan debat yg cukup mengguncang hati dan perasaan dari masing2 pihak menyisakan tak lebih dari segores luka serta kedongkolan yg mendalam...
Perlahan hati yang tadinya dipenuhi dg warna kesukaan berangsur angsur menjadi abu-abu dan tawar, aku coba mengambil cat warna dari hari-hari hidupku utk kembali menggores warnanya didalam hatiku rasanya menjadi hal yang sia-sia... warna abu-abu itu semakin lekat menggantikan warna warni didalam hatiku...
aku coba pejamkan mata lebih erat lagi dan berharap setelah aku buka kembali warna warni itu masih tersisa....
January 9, 2012
after the fight....
after the huge fought on Saturday,7 January, i told him "i hate u" ...must be injured him badly...
These are the chat after Saturday afternoon :
(09 January, Monday)
"and deeply sorry for injures you with my words and my mind... Gibran was right, if someone injures you, u will forget that injury but if you injures someon you will always remember that.."
"hehehehe... aneh juga biasanya bbm-an sm kamu dari pagi sampai malam, tapi sejak sabtu sudah bisa di hitung dengan jari bbm-an sama dikau, tp lama kelamaan pasti terbiasa ya, and aku juga bilang ke dikau keputusan apapun yang kamu ambil untuk aku jalanin aku akan jalanin,right?"
"thank you utk for few weeks sudah ngisi hidup aku dengan kebahagiaan, sungguh being with you made me happy, meski hanya utk dr tgl.09 Oktober s/d 28 Pktober, mav after that aku cuma bisa ngajak berantem mulu...hehehehe"
"sabar ya kl mungkin beberapa hari ke depan aku suka bbm-in hal2 yang ga penting yang mungkin ganggu kamu (bukan ttg hub kamu dan dia) tapi aku janji berusaha lepasin kamu seperti yg kamu mau..hehehehe..."
Aku seperti berdiri di jalan yg bercabang.... melepasnya atau tetap menunggunya? as christian i've been teach about faith, and believe that if we wanted something that good in God's will we have to believe that we already received it....but facing the fact about this guy,i loss my faith about it... he made me stop thinking about miracle again, miracle about love..
but yes i care about him... LOVE?hmmmm not arrive that position yet...
then why it is so hard for me to let him do his life as his wish, if he choose to stay with her so what? i know God could change his heart but what i don't know is he the right guy for me or not?and only God knows that...
so i choose God's will, jika saat ini DIA menginginkan aku menjauh dari dia yg aku sayangi so beat it i'll do it... sad?yes, hearted broken?of course, but i still do it anyway, GOD's choice is the best for me...
These are the chat after Saturday afternoon :
(09 January, Monday)
"and deeply sorry for injures you with my words and my mind... Gibran was right, if someone injures you, u will forget that injury but if you injures someon you will always remember that.."
"hehehehe... aneh juga biasanya bbm-an sm kamu dari pagi sampai malam, tapi sejak sabtu sudah bisa di hitung dengan jari bbm-an sama dikau, tp lama kelamaan pasti terbiasa ya, and aku juga bilang ke dikau keputusan apapun yang kamu ambil untuk aku jalanin aku akan jalanin,right?"
"thank you utk for few weeks sudah ngisi hidup aku dengan kebahagiaan, sungguh being with you made me happy, meski hanya utk dr tgl.09 Oktober s/d 28 Pktober, mav after that aku cuma bisa ngajak berantem mulu...hehehehe"
"sabar ya kl mungkin beberapa hari ke depan aku suka bbm-in hal2 yang ga penting yang mungkin ganggu kamu (bukan ttg hub kamu dan dia) tapi aku janji berusaha lepasin kamu seperti yg kamu mau..hehehehe..."
Aku seperti berdiri di jalan yg bercabang.... melepasnya atau tetap menunggunya? as christian i've been teach about faith, and believe that if we wanted something that good in God's will we have to believe that we already received it....but facing the fact about this guy,i loss my faith about it... he made me stop thinking about miracle again, miracle about love..
but yes i care about him... LOVE?hmmmm not arrive that position yet...
then why it is so hard for me to let him do his life as his wish, if he choose to stay with her so what? i know God could change his heart but what i don't know is he the right guy for me or not?and only God knows that...
so i choose God's will, jika saat ini DIA menginginkan aku menjauh dari dia yg aku sayangi so beat it i'll do it... sad?yes, hearted broken?of course, but i still do it anyway, GOD's choice is the best for me...
January 3, 2012
Welcome 2012
geezzz... almost 1,5 years i haven't touch or write here...lost my pw..stupid idiot bin asshole!!
alot of things hapens since 16 March 2010, one the most hitting me was when i lost my mom for gud, she went into Lord's hand on 02 Dec 2011, she'd been suffered from her illness "cerosis" she stayed at hospital for 15 days, and giving into Lord's hand on Dec 02nd,2010 (miss you mom)
in romance sequel, hmmmm being HTS, awesome journey but it came to the end finaly just b'cos he's got caught (we exactly) cheeted,1st time so hard thru days without his presence but lately i realise we had to stop this realtionship, now i could run the days freely from heartache C",)
another story, well i knew this guy quite long enough,nice guy, i even liked him but silently cos alot of reasons tobe thought... shortly, last year (2010) we got closer accidently,but again i was being in HTS situation,yeah you tell me sucks... but glad he told me the truth for the beginning..
this stupid feeling of me few moments ago had back again... and this was become my huge mistake carried away with the feelings that crashed me again for the last time... im sorry for giving him bad times, im sorry for asking him to do something that he wasn't able to do, im sorry for put me into wrong positon just b'cos we gt closer.
Now i am trying to leave all behind,one of the time, putting again the pieces of my heart, i know it won't back into whole pieces like the old days but the crack remind me to learn more wiser treat my own heart...
Now 2012, don't know yet what will hapen, just thankful for the life journey in the last year, with everything inside it.. and hope this year will be better....
So, to you all Happy New Year 2012, keep the faith, keep the spirit.... GBU abudantly
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